the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
