Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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