Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
