i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You may now shotgun with the bride
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
