thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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