Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
