You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
