Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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