Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
