I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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