There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
