Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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