I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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