sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
