Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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