If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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