I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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