nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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