either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
