I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
