Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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