Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
