I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
