made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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