it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can I color on your dick again?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
the raccoons are back...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
