I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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