i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
