Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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