I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
