My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
