I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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