she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
