I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
