evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
