Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
