You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
