I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
