watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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