I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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