I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
