Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
we're so committed to being not committed
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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