Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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