hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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