taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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