saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
