I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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