I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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