I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
