a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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