I was born with a shot glass in my hand
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
