the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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