Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
