it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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