he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
