i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
PANTIES FOUND
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